A few months ago, I played hooky from work and went to see a new horror movie called Barbarian (4 stars, btw).  The day after, I was recounting the plot to a friend and found myself kinda grossed out by the words falling so gleefully from my mouth.  Movies are like that sometimes.  When you actually contemplate the plot of certain films, the stark reality of the plot sounds much worse than what your eyes and ears actually witnessed.  Take Forrest Gump for example--a touching tale about a simple southerner who inadvertently played a crucial role in the fabric of American life in the mid to late 1960s, OR the story of a drug-addicted girl who takes advantage of a mentally challenged man for 3 decades?  Or Inception--a twisty, subversive heist movie that explores the subconscious mind, or a movie about taking naps?  And, don't even get me started on Beauty and the Beast.  

This 2022 Green Bay season has the same feeling.  Through one lens, you could see this season as an aging team struggling with injuries, and failing to find chemistry between its veteran leaders and their younger cohorts.  Through another, you could see a wildly expensive and poorly constructed roster being woefully mismanaged by a group of coaches who have clearly lost the reins, in a season teetering on the tipping point of obsolescence.  Doesn't sound so great when you boil it down, eh?  So, let's take a look back at this latest Packers loss, and see if we can find four agreements from this ill-fated visit to the City of Brotherly Love that Packers fans worldwide can all agree on.

• Agreement #1--This defense is so bad, it's offensive

I am more of a bad-news-first kind of guy.  There is no way to sugarcoat it--that was as bad as I have ever seen a Green Bay defensive unit play.  The Philadelphia Eagles, a team that had been riding the ropes like Rocky in his first match against Clubber Lang over the last several weeks, rushed for a gobsmacking 363 yards against Green Bay on Sunday, the second-most single-game rushing yards in Eagles history.  Miles Sanders, who had been in something resembling a slump over the last month, achieved a career-high against the Packers.  So did Jalen Hurts.  Hell, if Philly had decided to throw pads and a jersey on one of the hot dog vendors, I bet that dude could have run for triple digits against this woeful Packers defense.  The Philadelphia Eagles, a team who has previously employed Donovan McNabb, Randall Cunningham, and Michael Freaking Vick, had their all-time quarterback rushing single-game record broken by 27 YARDS, against the second-most expensive defense in the entire NFL.  Let that sink in for a second.

And, it wasn't just the yards that Green Bay ceded to Philly.  It was when those yards were ceded.  3rd and 14.  Time running out on the second quarter.  Tied ballgame.  Green Bay scheduled to get the ball first in the second half.  Filthy with momentum.  And, this feckless Green Bay defense allows Hurts to throw a 13-yard pass to Devonta Smith, setting up a gimme 4th and 1.  Three plays later, the Eagles would throw a thirty-yard strike to Quez Watkins, which would prove to be the tilting point in the game.  Even when this group managed to force Philadelphia into a plus situation, they couldn't take advantage.  Several Packers players were actually celebrating giving up 13 yards on that 3rd down.  And, that image is a perfect amalgamation of this season in totality.  Celebrating just keeping it close.  

However, that wasn't even the most galling play of the game.  That would come two quarters later.  Down 7, with 57 seconds to go, and a single timeout left to pause the clock in case of a defensive stop.  Miles Sanders runs off the right guard.  A missed tackle.   Four yards.  Game over.  A freaking play that even Andrea Bocelli could see coming, but our comically inept defense apparently couldn't.  One single stop in a third and medium situation, and you give your offense, who had been lights out, a chance to pull even and keep your slim playoff chances alive.  And our D rolled over like an Instagram influencer on a beach lounger, trying to maintain a perfectly even tan.  The final brick sealing Green Bay's 2022 fate.  

Missed tackles seemed to be the theme of the night.  Hell, Green Bay missed almost as many tackles as they made on Sunday.  The Packer's effort in the tackling department over the last month has mirrored my effort in the dieting department (you don't have to cheer for the University of Washington to be a husky!).  Wasn't this why Mike Pettine was ultimately fired in 2020?  Too many missed tackles?  Too many teams running all over our overmatched defense?  11 guys playing their individual roles, instead of operating as a cohesive unit?    

Listen, Joe Barry sucks.  We cover this every week.  He is the green bean casserole of NFL defensive coordinators.  He has a fundamental misunderstanding of his player's specific skill sets and a startling lack of intellect in how to scheme to take away his opponent's greatest strengths.  He is bad.  And, he should feel bad.  Every night I pray that Joe gets diagnosed with ulcerative colitis and has to take a sabbatical away from the team to deal with his untrustworthy bowels.  Every morning I wake up disappointed. 

But, this week's God-awful performance isn't just on Joe Barry's stupid shoulders.  This defense is soft.  We are talking Charmin soft.  This defense is more pliable than the spot on the top of a baby's head.  This unit is  more pillowy than Jayne Mansfield's ample bosom.   SAWFT.    This team is the soldier breaking down in the stairwell in Saving Private Ryan.  They are the Glass Joe in Mike Tyson's Punch-out.  Tough teams don't give up that 3rd and 14 play.  Tough teams don't stand idly by and watch their team's season implode because they can't stop a four-yard dive play.  And they certainly don't allow a team to run for 363 yards against them.  You can teach technique.  You can coach scheme (well, Joe Barry can't, but good coaches can).  But, you can't instill toughness.  That is something that is bred in your DNA.  The Eagles DNA is doing push up's on gravel in the baking summer sun.  The Packers DNA is perusing Target with a pumpkin spice latte in their hand.

• Agreement #2--Christian Watson is the Prince Who Was Promised

For what feels like a dozen years, Packers fans have waited impatiently for Green Bay's top brass to add a playmaking wide receiver to aid Aaron Rodgers in his endless quest for a second Lombardi Trophy.  We have suffered the slings and arrows of almost-was and never-were's like J'Mon Moore and Amari Rodgers, waiting, with bated breath for a hero to emerge, to elevate our receiving room and give our offense the explosive firepower that the Buffalo's and Kansas City's of the world have enjoyed for years.  Dear reader, the Lord hath heard our prayers--Christian Watson is the fortifying manna from heaven we have all been dreaming of.  Sure, it might be a year too late, but, late is better than never right?

Thanks to 2022's complete nerdification of the NFL, cameras clocked Watson reaching a cruising altitude of 20.97 miles per hour on his touchdown pass from Jordan Love this past Sunday.  This was the twelfth time he has topped 20 MPH this season, trailing only Tyreek Hill in said category.  Tyreek Hill is shorter than Chris Paul.   Christian Watson is taller than Charles Barkley.  Christian Watson is what would happen if the Empire State Building suddenly sprouted arms and legs and started running around like Willie Gault.  Am I being hyperbolic?  Have you read this column before?  Of course, I am.  But, it's hard not to be when you see someone that big run that fast.  It's just illogical.  Is Christian Watson the second coming of Jerry Rice?  Absolutely not.  Jerry Rice didn't have 6 touchdowns in his rookie season!  

Sure, the appetizer was underwhelming (can we all agree to stop talking about that goll-darn drop from the Minnesota Viking game starting right now?).  The entree has been to die for.  Watson has 6 touchdowns in the last 3 games.  That is good enough to lead all rookie wide receivers in touchdowns receptions. Hell, Watson has more touchdown catches in the last three games than 26 other NFL teams do.  That's teams.  With a t.  You know, some rookies have fancy cleats or clever nicknames.  Christian Watson has 4.2 speed, a pterodactyl wingspan, and a wallet that says BAD MOTHER FOGHORNER on it (points for the unnecessary callback!).  In a season ruled by darkness and despair, Watson is a beam of brilliant, healing light!  

• Agreement #3--Aaron Rodgers is tougher than your grandpa

Aaron Rodgers stood in front of the media on Sunday for 9 minutes.  It was his shortest postgame press conference of the season.  Key word in that stanza--STOOD.  For nine freaking minutes, Aaron Rodgers stood in front of the media, nursing an old broken thumb and some new bruised ribs, calmly detailing his reasoning for not returning to the game.  It was a pretty good reason, too--he thought he may have punctured his lung.  If I puncture my finger with a Capri Sun straw, I call in sick to work.   This dude was still in the game taking snaps with bruised (possibly cracked?) ribs, and, what he thought at the time was a punctured lung.  Show me another hippie who would be willing to do that!

Rodgers is going to be 39 next week.  I just turned 40.   I am also missing all the hair on the back of my head.  That's pretty much where the comparisons end.  But, I can personally vouch for how people our age feel most mornings when we wake up--like shit.  That's how.  Father Time is an abusive parent.

Rib injuries are brutal.  Rib injuries have a way of making every taken breath feel more taxing than watching a Hallmark Christmas movie marathon.  You could hear the strain in 12's voice on Sunday night.  The dude started the game sounding like young Jeff Bridges.  He ended the game sounding like old Jeff Bridges.  This season is officially effed.  It's over.  The team has nothing to play for.  Aaron has every reason to shut it down for the year, rehab his various injuries, and flip through the Robb Report while trying to decide what island he should buy.  $100 says he doesn't.  That's not how guys like Rodgers are wired.  That is not how you get to the position he is in.  He played an entire season on a partially broken leg.  He played the second half of last season with Covid Toe.  You think some gimpy ribs are going to stop him?  

This team has given up.  This season's race is over.  But, Rodgers will be in the weight room tomorrow, solemnly getting ready for the Chicago Bears, with one of those hipster t-shirts he loves so much, and a pair of Bose headphones on--The playlist, you ask?   The band--Cake.  The song--The Distance.  On eternal repeat.  

• Agreement #4--Love Is On The Way

It took Bruce Springsteen nearly a year to write Born To Run.  It took Michelangelo four excruciating years to paint the Sistine Chapel.  And, it took Jonas Salk the better part of five years to develop the Polio vaccine.  Am I comparing Jordan Love's three-year journey to NFL playing time to the creation of the Polio vaccine?  Good God, no (though Brian Gutekunst might if you are an NFL team inquiring about Love's availability).  I am saying that good things are worth the wait.  And, Packer fans may finally get to see if this 31-month richard-tease has actually been worth the wait.  It got off to a pretty good start on Sunday.

I gotta hand it to Jordan Love--he looked pretty damn sharp in his limited time against the Eagles.  Easily the most polished and confident he has appeared in his time with the green and gold.  Was it Rodgers against the Cowboys in 2007?  Not quite.  But, it was definitely encouraging.  

Love has been biding his time patiently, and, by all accounts, has been a loyal soldier and a good teammate.  He appears to have a solid grasp of the offense.  The next question is how he handles a game where the opponent has prepared all week with the sole purpose of stopping him.  That will be an interesting bridge to cross.  A bridge that we may soon traverse.  

If Love does indeed perform better than expected in the next few weeks, it allows Brian Gutekunst two enticing opportunities moving forward.  Opportunity #1 is lording Love's success over his friends, family, and media members who have savaged the Love pick over the last several years.  Taking the opportunity to gloat at everyone who doubted and endlessly shove your success in their stupid faces over the Christmas holiday would be <insert chef's kiss emoji>.  Opportunity #2 is the chance to trade Love for a much richer package than you could have at any time over the last 18 months.  Like it or not, if Aaron Rodgers wants to be a Green Bay Packer next year, he is going to be.  And, if he does indeed opt-in, he is your starter.  Nobody in the NFL is going to sign up to take on that contract for a guy who is staring 40 in its icy visage.  Building up value in Love should be a primary focus of this Packer team for the next several weeks until this season is finally put out of it's misery for good.

Gutekunst's bet on Love was always a bold poker move.  The dealer is about to potentially flip over the hole card.  Then we can finally figure out if this Love Experiment was Use Your Illusions, or  Chinese Democracy.  

• Check Out Check In

This is a new weekly segment where we rate how checked out certain members of this Green Bay Packers team are, according to body language, public comments, and, of course, on-field performance.  Let's get started!

Jaire Alexander--7/10

Josh Myers--5/10

Rudy Ford-- -100/10 

Darnell Savage--*INCOMPLETE*  (It's impossible to check out if you never truly checked in)

Adiran Amos--9/10

Kenny Clark--11/10

Sammy Watkins--Infinity/10

• Catching Strays

Josh Myers must be a huge Harvey Dent fan, right?

Our defense cost $106 million dollars this year.  I tried to figure out what would be an even bigger waste of $106 million.  This is what I came up with.

--Buying $106 million of FTX coin TODAY

--Investing $106 million in one of Brett Favre's charities 

--Buying $106 million worth of Zach Wilson rookie cards (when there is blood on the street, right Baron?)

I wonder what other things Joe Barry has convinced himself he is good at simply because he is Rod Marinelli's son in law.

Nick Siriani looks like the lovechild from Pete Davidson and Dicky Ecklund

Hiring Joe Barry to be your defensive coordinator is like hiring Jared Fogle to babysit your kids for a long weekend.

For the record, it's pronounced "puh-cahn".  If you are saying it the other way, you should probably wear a helmet in public.

GO PACK GO!!!